The difference between guilt and shame

The young woman sat in front of me with her head hung low. She struggled to make eye contact and the words she spoke came haltingly.  She told me how her husband was cheating on her - multiple times with multiple women.  She found the courage to look me in the eye for a few brief moments and with terrible anguish she cried, “I am so ashamed.”

She was filled with shame because she was afraid; she had three small children and she did not know how to care for them on her own.  She was filled with shame because she felt that somehow she must be inadequate and in her mind this is why her husband found pleasure in other women.  She was filled with shame because she still loved this man who was humiliating and disgracing her.This beautiful young mother dropped her face into her hands and asked of me, “Will God ever forgive me?”She felt shame, which led her to want God to forgive her.  Yet she was not guilty of any wrong doing that needed God’s forgiveness.We often confuse guilt and shame.

• Shame is a feeling of humiliation, making a person feel inadequate, disgraced or embarrassed.
• Guilt is a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.

This is how I understand the two:

• Shame is something placed on us by others.
• Guilt is something from within us caused by our own actions.

Sometimes, when we are guilty of something, we should be shamed by our peers.  This husband who had betrayed his wife should be shamed.  He is guilty of doing wrong.  He however places shame on his wife yet she is innocent.   Shame is often times a burden placed upon us through the actions of somebody else.  This kind of shame is a burden we should not carry.Guilt, on the other hand, is a burden placed upon us, often by the Holy Spirit, convicting us of something we have done wrong.  We should take heed of this feeling of guilt and we should repent.  Repentance requires true remorse for our wrong doing, not just feeling sorry for being caught out.  When we are truly remorseful and we confess our sin, God is faithful and just to forgive us.   God cleanses us from all unrighteousness and we are no longer guilty.  (1 John 1:9)The young wife’s anguish over whether God would forgive her was misplaced:

• She had done no wrong.
• The shame and humiliation she felt was placed upon her through no actions of her own.
• Carrying the “secret” of her husband’s shameful behavior is what caused the burden.
• Once she had spoken out and was surrounded by supportive people in her life, the shame went away and she was free to make choices for her life from a clear mind and a good conscience.

I believe that guilt is a positive emotion given by God, leading us to repent of our own wrong doing.  Shame is an emotion placed upon us by other people.  Sometimes it is justified based on our own unrepentant and ongoing wrong doing.  Often times it is a misplaced burden that we carry based on the sin of others.  It is very important that we distinguish between the two.If you are feeling guilty or ashamed of something you are doing wrong, I urge you to come to a place of true repentance.  If necessary, find a counselor to help you deal with whatever it is that has you captive.If you are carrying shame based on the sin of somebody else, I urge you to find an experienced counselor and a supportive group of people who will help you lay down this burden that is not yours to carry.Question: How do you deal with guilt that comes when you have done wrong or how do you deal with shame that comes that is not yours to carry?